DICLAIMER: Brutally honest opinions expressed about newborn babies and new mommyhood. The opinions are of the author only and in no way are meant to be a reflection of motherhood in general. Oh, and Custom Web Connections also takes no responsibility for it's employees' expressed opinions - in fact, we think the owner may even be a little crazy.
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We had a little blip on the radar screen yesterday and this morning we were preparing for what might have been a tad bit of an early arrival due to some high blood pressure and headaches experienced by yours truly, but they think that's probably due to baby positioning and some condition (a big word involving hyper, but not tension) where the blood pressure jumps up and down in the last week or so leading up to delivery, so relaxation and left side laying was my prescription (not too bad, huh?).
I'm pretty excited about the May 1st date anyway (and I know my grandma is too), so I'm fine with waiting 48 more hours but, surprisingly, I was also perfectly fine going in today, too. That's so different than last time when I looked like a terrified 1st grader going to school for the first time as I'm leaving for the hospital (see terrible picture at right - face puffy and swolen from all the crying, fake smile and all) I was a week overdue, hugely uncomfortable, had just been told it was in mine and baby's best interest to induce that day and I still was not wanting to go. Now, I feel much more "let's get this show on the road" vs. "maybe the baby can just stay in me until she goes to college".
Edited to add: see how much bettter I looked this time:
So what brought about this change of heart? (Besides the drugs and therapy) :) This time, I know the next few weeks/months will be rough (potentially nearly impossible at times), but unlike last time, I also know it will get better and easier. I'm sure this has to do with my "c" word issues, but regardless, it's there and it's real - I don't do well with change and/or transition periods in life. Throw in a crazy influx of hormones and a baby I had no idea what to do with and the conditions were ripe for a meltdown the first time around. No matter how many people told me it would be better and easier, I couldn't hear that in the days after Bridget was born, so I won't preach it to my first time mom friends out there, but for me, I know it now and this is a much more comfortable place to be.
This time, I can accept that I just am not a big baby person. Don't get me wrong - they are cute and all, especially those teeny tiny little fingernails, but I can hold one for a few minutes and then be ready to give it back, unless it's sleeping, then I can hold it for a while.. anyway... I've come to understand this doesn't mean I won't love or appreciate what an amazing thing a new baby is, but it does mean I probably WILL NOT love all the early days of care and getting used to an entirely new routine and breastfeeding struggles and sleepless nights and missing designing new t-shirts and working. Because those things can be hard and stressful and NEW and different and not routine and, like my wise brother-in-law once said, "good things are good" and sometimes new motherhood is not good. I will, however, try harder to cherish this time as it is fleeting and quite possibly my last go around with a newborn, but, I also will allow myself to feel overwhelmed and discouraged with the depth of new momhood and I won't beat myself up for longing for a time in the past occasionally. I will understand that feeling that way DOES NOT a bad mom make and it does not mean I wouldn't do anything for this new little person, it just makes me flat out NORMAL. This time my mantra will be, good things will be good again, the best is yet to come.
And, hey, remember
this post? Well, just look at all the progress we've made now and we still have 2 days left!
PS - Check back here next week same time same place to see if my empowered second baby mantra is working out or if I've been hiding under the bed all week eating bean burritos.
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