Me + Emotions = All Mixed Up (like that 3-1-1 song)

Yesterday was Shane's first day at Bridget's "school". I'm pretty happy with Bridget going there now, even though that was a rough adjustment at first, too. Maybe it's because she waves goodbye and gives kisses and says in her too cute voice, "bye mom, bye mommy" and everything seems fine or the fact she brings me home her artwork and talks about the "markers" and "colors" she played with making her masterpieces. BUT dropping my new baby off there yesterday SUCKED big time. I mean you put so much time and energy into feeding, napping, playing, tummy times, crying times that it becomes your main job and focus of each day and then yesterday, it just suddenly wasn't anymore.

I handed him over to the "ladies". Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies there (we mainly just call them that cause we get their names all confused). They are all very sweet and loving and they loved Bridget and they were looking forward to Shane coming and getting to know him, but they are NOT ME and they are not my mom and they are not any of my family/friends that know his "rhythm" or his needs. So, relinquishing some of that control for the first time was harder than I expected. I'm not even sure why - maybe because I feel like I worked harder on him or understand him a little better than Babygirl when she was his age or maybe it's just being more experienced, but whatever the case, it stinks. And I am SOOO not like this - I am not a control freak nor do I usually care about schedules and time tables, but when I called yesterday and he was not sleeping very well and had been somewhat fussy, it just got to me big time. Suddenly, I felt like they had no idea what they were doing and that they probably missed his all important "sleep window" and that recovering from that missed window is not easy, and that now he was going to go through a lot of screaming and not sleeping ALL DAY and that if I were at home with him I could "fix" it - even though I totally could not fix it and most days when I am home with him and he is having one of those days I just wish he could be at school and I could concentrate on work.... oh! hello grass - aren't you greener over there?

[Mixed emotions enter here. ] Because you know what else? I really LOVE being back at work by myself. I like sitting at a computer in an office and listening to Jack Johnson and Bob Marley on iTunes (it's a good playlist, don't knock it 'til you've tried it) and taking phone calls and planning out third quarter marketing strategies without having one ear tuned in at all times for a baby crying in the background. I don't have to get up every few minutes and feed or swaddle or shoosh and then come back and try to figure out where I was analyzing the SEO data and why there was a decline in the internet traffic for KP Properties over the past two weeks. So, yesterday and today I kept getting these little pangs of happiness creeping in that things are getting to be a new "normal" again and I like it and then I think of my little babyboy and that he is NOT in his little cradle at home and he most certainly is not being swaddled properly and my little happiness sinks backs to sadness thereby creating one big jumble of emotions.

If anyone would understand, I think it's my favorite emotion-monitoring toddler, Matthew. He would look at me with those big blue eyes and say - "Erin happy? Erin sad?"

Yes, Matthew, Erin happy, Erin sad all at once.