Why Wine and Facebook will never be "friends"

The setting: my comfy big-mistake of a purple couch, a roaring fire, dog at my feet, husband doing laundry.
The perpetrators: yours truly, a bottle of Nathanson Creek Chardonnay, and my laptop
The crime: FUI - Facebooking under the Influence.*

You may think it's a good idea at the time. You are probably pretty convinced that you have the wittiest, most exciting comments to post, but the truth is, YOU DON'T. You are not as funny as the Chardonnay would lead you to believe. People, Chardonnay is a liar - don't believe a word the little bitch says, no matter how convincing she gets (I think of wine as feminine most days).

In fact, you are more than likely not funny at all and there will most definitely be a written record of your moments of Pale Ale brilliance for "friends" to throw back in your face the next day. Yes, gone are the days when you woke up not even remembering who you called the night before - now catastrophically replaced with an oh-shit-what-have-I-done, morning-after inbox full of flashing friend requests and *worse yet* friend acceptances.
Oh my god, I requested to make him/her my friend?!

I'm in the process of speaking with an inventor right now that would halt my laptop from performing without first passing a breathalyzer. The unfortunate part of this plan is that I'm guessing that little Gin and Tonic tease would immediately remember the four other computers capable of connecting to the internet in this house and I would be right back where I started from. Looks like I might have to think broader to combat my Merlot muse. I may even have to put the whole electrical system in the house on breathalyzer lock down...maybe that would do it. I mean we'd all freeze, but at least my morning inbox wouldn't be such a scary place.

*Facebook was my most recent drug of choice, but this may also apply to blogging, twittering, linked-in, friendfeed, texting and emailing as well. I am an equal opportunity Drunk Social Networker (trademark pending), well, except for MySpace - we broke up a couple of months ago after I left him for Facebook so I definitely won't be drunk MySpacing anyone anytime soon.